Making Mistakes

•October 30, 2009 • 1 Comment

What a tumultuous month it has been.  And while it is now time for October to come to a close, I’m forced to evaluate my behavior this month.

Everyone makes mistakes.  No one is perfect.  But at what point do you realize that you’ve hit the wall, so to speak, and it’s time to judge yourself before the harshest judge of all – yourself?

I had quite a scare at the beginning of the month when I discovered that I had a cyst in my right breast.  I tried to not worry and to push it from my mind, and I didn’t fully realize until yesterday that my behavior over the past month, hedonistic in nature, was a reaction to fear.

I am not the type of person who will tell you how I’m feeling.  Half the time I don’t even know how I’m really feeling, so how could I possibly tell you?  Tears are alien to me;  I don’t embrace them.  I avoid.

Somewhere in the subconscious, I decided to start living life like “today was my last day.”  That is acceptable in theory and a quaint thought; unfortunately if it is NOT your last day, you have to live with the consequences and repercussions of your actions.

Besides drowning my sorrows in alcohol, which is a trap I easily fall into, I can pick out one glaring mistake over the past couple of weeks.

Me, unsatisfied with life in general and basically pissed off at the world, decides to meet some random guy from Twitter.  Honestly, now that 9 days have passed since we did meet in person, I’ve had time to reflect, and – what the FUCK was I thinking?!

Not that meeting a random person from the internet is inherently bad.  My on-again off-again boyfriend of 7 years I met sight unseen from a Phish mailing list in 2002.

It is the method by which I went about it that shows a break in judgment.   I really didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, except for 2 friends in other states, and I just literally jumped in his truck.

Well, I didn’t end up another statistic, which is positive.  This blog post isn’t meant to defame the other party, so he will remain nameless, and I will merely say all the internal warning signs I had before meeting him, were founded.  If someone seems misanthropic and sociopathic online, guess what! They probably are in real life.  Another strike for me.

In the aftermath of this clandestine meeting, I not only had to explain to my boyfriend what I did, but also why.  I really couldn’t pinpoint the *why*.  So I began introspection.

Fear of the medical unknown had already began to affect my anxiety level.  I had stopped eating.  My alcohol intake increased.  Days had begun to roll together.  I stopped working.  My effort in my schoolwork plummeted.  What I should have done, is speak up and tell someone, “Look, I’m scared.”

Instead, I look to a stranger to get myself out of me for a brief moment in time.  I liken it to doing drugs or excessive alcohol consumption; it is brief, and when you wake up, you hate yourself.

What I learned is that my life really isn’t that bad.  I’ve got school, a dear, wonderful boyfriend who truly loves me for me, and a handful of good friends.

I found out yesterday at the doctor’s that the cysts are benign.  Since then, I’ve managed to start eating again.  I’ve lost 15 pounds this past month, and while I now can say I’m at a perfectly normal weight finally, I didn’t go about it with healthy choices in mind.

I’d really love to say that my devil-may-care attitude will not get the best of me, and I’ll never make another mistake as serious as this one.  I love danger too much to say that.  I just refuse to let fear get the best of me in the future.

Take caution, if you meet someone to bang your collective genitals together, awesome.  If you’re trying to replace a hole in your soul by fixating your attention onto another person, it’s very maladaptive.  I know this now.

However, no genitals were banged in this instance.  One thing I didn’t lose sight of, is my self-respect.

Even MORE Boring for Mark!!

•October 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

The only thing I will say is, this got me 100% in my psych class, and a note that said: Best Paper of All Classes.

This post is for Mark Horn, tho :)

 

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According to research, the success rate of the 12-step program Alcoholics Anonymous has been widely disputed.  This experiment was conducted to test whether persons who are afflicted with an alcohol problem respond more positively to a rigid 12-step program over a period of time, or if using a basic accomplishment and reward system, in conjuction with the use of cognitive behavioral therapy, would be more successful over the same said period of time.

The hypothesis for this experiment is that, persons afflicted with a chronic alcohol problem, whether it be legal, medical, social, or a combination of the three, will respond better, more productively, and positively, to a simple system of accomplishment and reward, combined with cognitive behavioral therapy, than to the standard 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

If this hypothesis is supported, it could be groundbreaking to the way alcohol problems are  treated in the United States.  Currently, many of those in the legal system for alcohol-related offenses are mandated to attend regular 12-step meetings as a part of court compliance, and/or ordered to attend a rehabilitation center, the majority of which adhere to the same 12-step model.

If this hypothesis is not supported, it can be said that Alcoholics Anonymous does have a success rate, however disputed.  It has worked and will continue to work for those suffering from dipsomania.

The subjects for this experiment consisted of persons with alcohol problems who had experienced either a substantial loss of job, family, or social/economic status, those who had experienced more than one legal issue where alcohol was involved, and those who had entered a rehabilitation or detoxification facility on more than one occasion.   The subjects were not invited to the experiement on a volunteer basis, but were invited through a random selection of participants who had already qualified in a study with ABMRF (The Foundation for Alcohol Research).  As a result, the participants varied widely in age, from 15-70, were inclusive of both genders, and did not discriminate based on variances in social classes.

Persons who met the criteria of loss and/or problems stated above were assigned a number, placed in a Microsoft Excel document, and randomly generated through a spreadsheet.  750 participants were chosen using the method, so as to display a more accurate outcome of findings.

250 participants were required to first detoxify, if necessary, and attend what is referred to in Alcoholics Anonymous, as a 90-in-90, or attending 90 meetings in 90 days, and following the suggestions given at the meetings.  After the initial 90-day period, participants were required to still regularly attend meetings, with no maximum number per week, but at a bare minimum of 3.   No other criteria is required of this group, with the exception of immediately reporting relapse.  Participants must also agree to a breathilizer and urine sample three times weekly.  This group is referred to as the control group.

250 other participants were also required to detoxify, if necessary, followed by 30 days of 1 hour cognitive behavioral therapy per day.  Concurrent with the CBT, participants are recommended to remain completely abstinent for no less than 30 days. Upon conclusion of the first 30 days, it is followed by a stern limit on consumption for the next 2 months, and 5 cognitive behavioral therapy sessions per week. For women, the recommended maximum for consumption is no more than 1 drink per sitting, more than 4 times per week; for men, the recommended maximum is no more than 2 drinks per sitting, 3 times per week.   Every time this criteria is met successfully for the week, the participant is rewarded with either a fifty dollar shopping or restaurant gift card, and also recognized in their therapy setting.  Successful participants will also be invited to attend a weekly social where they are allowed to consume one extra alcoholic beverage, above and beyond the set weekly limit, and socialize with each other.  The next three months consist of one cognitive beahvioral session per week, and continue with the rewards program and weekly social.  All participants in this group are required to report relapse immediately, and are given a breathilizer and urine sample each therapy session for the entire 6 months of treatment.  This group is referred to as the experimental group.

The methods of data collection used in this experiment are comprised mainly of direct observation during therapy sessions, physiological recording to affirm that the participant is indeed following requirements, and a questionnaire which will be completed when the participant attends therapy or group.  Participants in the first group, while not attending therapy sessions, are still required to submit a daily questionnaire concerning their meeting attendance, alcohol consumption (if any), and any problems that may arise from that consumption.

The independent variable in this experiment is the alcohol consumption itself.  Will low consumption of alcohol trigger a relapse of full-blown alcoholism in the problem drinker?  The depedent variable is the amount of time the participant remains free of problems, whether they be legal, medical, or social/economical.  This experiment has extraneous variables, two of which are the honesty level at which the participants report their usage and/or relapse.  To obtain better results, the physiological tests are conducted as per the outline of the treatment program.  Another extraneous variable is the level of consumption that the participants were experiencing before treatment.  Because of the difference in weight and gender, what causes one person to be over the legal limit with the potential to cause problems may vary in another.   Therefore, this experiment is designed to measure only how long the participant can remain without signifigant problems due to alcohol consumption, not to measure dosages or their blood alcohol level.

Dori’s Really Boring Psych Paper for Brad.

•October 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Defense mechanisms, according to Sigmund Freud, are strategies that people use psychologically to ward off anxieties, so that they can cope with their stressors.  Freud also proposed three structures of the psyche: the Id, which is comprised of raw, basic, and biological urges, and operates on the pleasure principle (instant gratification); the Superego, the direct opposite of the Id, which operates on a strict internal moral and societal code; and the Ego, which is the balance between the Id and Superego, and seeks to pacify both while being the decision-maker.

According to Freud, when the Id has an impulse, it will conflict with the Superego, which causes anxiety and dissatisfaction to rise to the surface.  The Ego will then construct a defense mechanism to keep the anxiety at bay.

There are eight primary examples of defense mechanisms, and they are: Repression, Projection, Displacement, Reaction Formation, Regression, Rationalization, Identification, and Sublimation.

Repression is the involuntary act of suppressing impulse and desire into the subconscious.  A person who is repressing will not be consciously aware of their thoughts or feelings, as they are buried in the subconscious.  An example of repression is a survivor of sexual abuse, whose memories are blocked: the person will continue to have sexual intercourse, but is oblivious as to why they are not enjoying it.  Another example of repression could be the eternal optimist, who continually repeats the same mistakes over and over again, not remembering previous negative outcomes.  Many phobias also have a repressive trait; one who is an agoraphobic may be afraid to leave the house, but they truly have no idea why, or what the phobia stems from.  The common denominator of the above examples is the subconscious nature of pushing away the anxiety; the defense mechanism of suppression is similar, but is a conscious and deliberate avoidance of anxiety.

Projection is a defense mechanism by which the person will project their negative thoughts or desires onto another person, usually something too obscene or shameful to handle.  Projection is not a deliberate defense mechanism, is unconscious, and is generally used by all humans to some degree.  An example of projection is a person who is unsure of their own sexuality.  They may have internal homoerotic feelings, but to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of these thoughts, constantly chastise or make fun of others who are homosexual.  Another good example of repression could be either spouse of a married couple.  For example, the wife is having feelings of infidelity, but instead of addressing those feelings directly, becomes concerned and suspicious that her husband is having an affair.  In addition, a student could intensely dislike another student in his or her class; but instead of addressing that dislike directly, the student will feel as if they are the one being disliked.  The Id dislikes; the Superego has a moral value that ‘everyone deserves to be liked,’ and the Ego balances the two.

Displacement is the unconscious act of taking feelings, such as anger, and releasing the feelings on a ‘safer’ target.  Displacement also can occur in a chain reaction.  For example, a woman could have a terrible day at the office, to arrive home and scream at her husband.  The husband then will scream at the child, and the child will scream at the cat (also called scapegoating).  Another example could be a man who has been rejected by his partner sexually.  He will then engage in sexual activity with another partner.  There is also healthy displacement, by which a person may feel anger and aggression towards another person, but instead of violence or argument, the person punches a pillow.   This technique is taught often in anger management.

Reaction Formation is a defense mechanism in which the person will exaggerate the opposite of the feeling they are actually experiencing.  If the Id is feeling pleasurable sexual stimulation, the Superego will feel ashamed, and the Ego will try to pacify both.  An example of Reaction Formation is the preacher who firmly preaches against the woes of pornography, yet finds himself viewing it often.  Sigmund Freud also referred to this exaggerated compensation as “overboarding.”  Another example of Reaction Formation could be the spouse who reiterates “I love you” at many points throughout the day to overcompensate for the fact that they are ambivalent, or not in love at all.  Also, a supposed teetotaler will strongly advocate abstinence, to drink secretly in solitude.  Reaction Formation is also commonly found in Obssessive-Complusive Disorder (OCD), in which a person will repeat the same action over and over, subconsciously knowing that the action is wrong.

Regression is the act of taking a childlike stance, or acting like a child, instead of acting in a more mature or adult fashion.  A common example of regression could be an adult throwing a “temper tantrum” when they do not get their way, as opposed to having a civil discussion.  Regression is not inherently bad; a person who is sad or lonely may sleep with a stuffed animal for comfort, as the stuffed animal will take them back in time to a place where they were comforted or parented as a child.  Also, an older woman could seek to be in a relationship with a significantly younger man in order to revive her youth, or to feel as if she is “young again.”  It is common in regression, that the more stressful the situation is, the more that the person is likely to regress.

Rationalization is the act of justifying, or using an acceptable excuse to justify bad behavior, thoughts, or feelings.  A person could be extremely jilted by a recent lover; in order to conceal their true feelings of disappointment and hurt, they may say “I didn’t want to be with him (or her) anyway.”  A prostitute may rationalize that she has chosen her profession to feed her children, when in reality, she has a drug habit she needs to fund.  Additionally, an abusive husband could be physically violent toward his wife, while saying, “if you were a better wife, I wouldn’t need to hit you.”  A young person can rationalize drug and alcohol experimentation by saying, “everyone is doing it.”  Rationalization is also correlated with a human’s need for acceptance and self-esteem.

Identification is a defense mechanism by which the person unconsciously patterns him or herself after another person or group to boost their self-esteem.  It should be noted that identification is not the same as imitation, where a person will consciously copy another.  An example of identification could be a person who patterns themselves after followers of a particular musical group, in order to fit in, i.e., those who follow the Grateful Dead wear tie-dyed shirts; therefore the person in question will wear tie-dyed shirts.  Also, a female college student may join a sorority in order to bolster her self-esteem.  An ardent fan of Jack Nicholson may find they are suddenly a fan of the Los Angeles Lakers, or a zealous moviegoer will find themselves politically affiliated with the celebrities they admire.  Identification contributes not only to forming groups, but also to forming a common bond with another person, as opposed to being enemies or rivals.

Sublimation is a defense mechanism in which the person typically expresses sexually aggressive impulses in ways deemed acceptable to society.  A person who is obsessed with the female anatomy may turn these desires into being a successful sculptor, or artist.  One who has aggressive thoughts and feelings can, instead of inflicting harm, turn their interests into a surgical or dental career.  Someone who is depressed and saddened can write a beautiful, harmonic blues melody.  Sublimation is considered by many in the field of psychoanalysis to be socially useful, and successful, as a defense mechanism.

All of the above defense mechanisms demonstrate Freud’s illustration of the Id, Superego, and Ego.  The Id will have a feeling or stimulation, the Superego deems it morally unacceptable, and the Ego will try to balance it out.  Often times, defense mechanisms are healthy, but there are instances where it can lead to maladaptive and pathological behavior.

This is Wednesday.

•October 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

And I could have written this myself (but I didn’t) :) :)

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

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